First things first, yes, I am on what people call a retreat high. I'm choosing to take advantage of it and write all of this down before I lose the courage to do so. It's 7:14 on Saturday night. Wow, I'm usually a few beers deep by now. I'm going to start by listing a few apologies.
1) If you are a person who I have ever made fun of, belittled, laughed at, I'm sorry, you don't deserve that. I only do it because it makes me feel better about myself, typical cliche about bullies right? If you fall under that category of people, I am very sorry even though you don't think I am.
2) If you are a girl who I have been involved with (God knows there is more than just a couple out there) or tried to be involved with, I'm sorry. I have treated every single one of you terribly, some worse than others. I am sorry for degrading you whether it be emotionally, sexually, or mentally. You don't deserve that. I'm sorry if I convinced you to do something you didn't want to do or even if you wanted to. What ever happened between us probably didn't end well. And yes, you should be reading this thinking it's bullshit. It's not.
3) If you are a person who I have influenced to make a bad decision, I'm sorry. God granted me with the ability to influence a lot of people and I have used that poorly. I pray that you and I both can make better decisions from now on.
4) If you are a person who doesn't even know me, I hope that you get to know me. I want to be your friend. I want to share what God has given me.
5) If you consider yourself a friend of mine, I hope that you can encourage me to be a better person every day. There will be many more mistakes to come in my life, help me to make them less severe.
Back to the writing, I hope everyone fell into a category. If you didn't, pursue me. I want to be friends with you. I want to change the world, starting with anyone who gets to read this. Many of you probably realize that I have not spoken like this in my 18 years of living. That's because I haven't. I lived 18 years for myself, pursuing and attaining many of the pleasures that this world has to offer. I have been fortunate enough to experience some terrible things in these 18 years. I use the word fortunate because it has all lead me to this desk chair typing on this computer. I have been lucky enough to have my eyes opened at a young age. And, sometimes that only can come through terrible experiences. I've always said, and just said a few sentences before, that I want to change the world. I thought that required wealth or fame. Turns out it only requires the truth. That's what I intend to spread. Some of you may not be ready for it. Some of you are ready for it, but don't have the courage. Some of you have already found it. And, there will be times that I run away from it out of fear or peer pressure. I am far from perfect, but be reassured that I am trying hard to live the rest of my life better. For anyone who wants to talk to me, I'm at 513-608-5506, conmo12@gmail.com, Connor Moulden on Facebook, and @ConnorMoulden on twitter.
This took a lot of courage for me to write, but Nelson Mandela said this about courage (so did Timo Cruz from Coach Carter)
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Let this be my light, giving you all permission to be your true selves.
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